


Shinra's Psych Department Needs a Raise

by TheRampagingWriter



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII (Video Game 1997)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Crack, Double Entendre, Gen, Innuendo, Mental Link, Therapy, Time Travel, Trolling, crisis core era shenanigans, no therapists were harmed in the making of this story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-11 07:35:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28467636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRampagingWriter/pseuds/TheRampagingWriter
Summary: Sephiroth attends therapy while Cloud provides commentary.Look, I told you that therapy will do you some good,Cloud sighed,but this isn't what I meant.Sephiroth raised an eyebrow even though Cloud couldn't see it. "I am doing what I'm supposed to do. After confiding in someone about my problems, I feel a lot better already."...You said to the fourth one, and I quote: "The voices in my head is the only thing that's keeping me from murdering your lot."
Comments: 23
Kudos: 178





	Shinra's Psych Department Needs a Raise

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CloudStrifeIsMySpiritAnimal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CloudStrifeIsMySpiritAnimal/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Seph and Cloud's Slow Descent to Madness (Or Friendship - whichever comes first)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28304202) by [CloudStrifeIsMySpiritAnimal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CloudStrifeIsMySpiritAnimal/pseuds/CloudStrifeIsMySpiritAnimal). 



_Sephiroth, please. This is the fifth therapist you've sent running for the hills_.

Sephiroth lounged idly in his chair, flipping through the files that were left scattered on the desk in a hurry by the man who fled. This one hadn't even made it to the good part, which was a pity because he had just gotten started. Admittedly he put too much of a dramatic flourish to his tale, and imitating his past crooning to Mother about taking back the planet _might_ have been too much to take. 

It was a shame that he never got to the good part, such as assassinating President Shinra, summoning Meteor, or _Cloud_.

"It's not my fault they're pathetic", he shot back.

_You're enjoying this._ The voice in his head accused him. A satisfied smirk spread across Sephiroth's face and propped his boots on top of the messy table. His heels scraped heavily across the surface, leaving a smudged trail behind.

"How could I not relish in their despair when they give it to me so readily?" 

_You know, when they called you up for an evaluation to check if you're sane or not, you should try a little harder to convince them. Not... you know, the opposite._

"Why should I, when this is so much fun?" Sephiroth glanced over at the clock. With the fifth challenger defeated, he would have to wait a few moments before his new plaything drops by. He was sure that they're either drawing lots to see who's going next, or Shinra had done the sensible thing and _warned_ them beforehand.

_You made a grown man cry._

...Or maybe not. If they knew about what they're getting into beforehand, none of them would have come in the first place. Shinra had led their workers in like blind lambs to a slaughter, and the ones who reap the benefits will be the Turks monitoring the situation. Everything they say would be on record, but it didn't matter in the long run. Not when his current goals stopped aligning with his past ones.

Try as they made, Shinra couldn't make him do anything he didn't want. The Turks knew this, Cloud knew this, and the late Professor Hojo found out in a very painful manner. The only one who doesn't know is perhaps the foolish President, blinded by his own hubris. Maybe he won't kill him this time, but drop him off with the same doctors who wield terms like _antisocial disorder_ and _superiority complex_ like weapons. See if they could create a dent in the man's sense of self.

"Oh, Cloud," Sephiroth murmured gleefully, "It's not like you haven't had your share of fun."

_'...'_ Cloud was conspicuously silent on that matter. He was obviously thinking about his own interview where he turned on the 'tiny, shy cadet' charm to the max and narrated his entire life story in a sweet tone of voice. His becoming a First Class SOLDIER was already a stretch, but hearing the blond cheerfully narrated how he took down the Planet's WEAPONS and killed Sephiroth on many occasions was definitely unbelievable.

If one took an outsider's view into Cloud's tale, it was definitely something out of the left field. The Hero of Wutai, actually half-alien? Then he heard voices of his dead mother and went insane but got killed by an unenhanced soldier using a blade too heavy to functionally use? But don't worry, he got better and pulled a space rock down to Midgar, which... other than the fact that Midgar is still upright and standing, has no basis in reality whatsoever.

The therapist was telling the cadet off for his 'overactive imagination' and 'disrespectful lies about his superior officer' until Sephiroth himself stepped through the door. Cloud's innocent act immediately evaporated, replaced by grit and sass. The two had an impromptu duel right there in the office which lasted until security came in to rescue the poor man.

That was therapist #2.

They certainly put up quite a show, and Sephiroth warned the Psych department to send a more competent therapist who actually _cares_ about their patient's wellbeing. The next few were quite boring, and he got some entertainment by confiding in earnest and watching them struggle to diagnose him.

He didn't need their _labels_ , he didn't want _their_ help. He was himself, forever and always.

The sixth unsuspecting therapist was taking their sweet time, but Sephiroth could be patient. He'll play a longer game this time, pacing himself so he can break them properly.

_Look, I told you that therapy will do you some good,_ Cloud sighed, _but this isn't what I meant._

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow even though Cloud couldn't see it. "I am doing what I'm supposed to do. After confiding in someone about my problems, I feel a lot better already."

_...You said to the fourth one, and I quote: "The voices in my head is the only thing that's keeping me from murdering your lot."_

Rolling his eyes, Sephiroth gestured towards himself, "I thought it was reassuring to let them know that I won't be doing so because of you. Unless you want me to tell them about the _other_ voice in my head that tells me to claim the destruction of this planet as my birthright?"

_The Turks are listening to you talking to yourself, you know._

"I know. You can tell Reno to come down and play therapist if they finally ran out of them. I know they've compiled enough information to come and interrogate me themselves."

_Reno says hi. And whatever we're doing is really freaky. He also wants dibs on taking me on instead._

Sephiroth smirked. "Give him hell, Cloud. And Reno, you might want to reconsider your career after this."

The Turks who have been sniffing too close to the fire needs to control themselves before they get burned. If they want the truth so badly, Cloud hasn't forgotten what they did to Sector 7 in the future.

He stretched back on his chair like a lazy cat, arms dangling on the side while his curtain of silver hair draped over the back, nearly touching the floor. He kicked the table, rocking his chair back until he was balancing on only the two hind legs. With some skill, he could balance on one without snapping the leg-

"Hi!"

A new cheery voice broke through his thoughts. Immersed in his balancing game, Sephiroth abruptly jolted at the sudden disruption.

_Snap._ The plastic leg of the chair hurtled through the air as if it had been shot through a pistol. The therapist gave a frightened yelp when she found the projectile lodged next to her neck, leaving a large crack on the wall where it had been embedded into.

Sephiroth rubbed his forehead as he heard Cloud's hysterical laughter through their mental bond. That was... completely unintentional. While it wasn't under his control, maybe this would set a record of how fast he drove away the new therapist without a single word spoken? Next time, maybe he should try to achieve the same thing intentionally...

But it seemed that this one was not easily deterred. After the initial scare, she gathered herself remarkably well to approach Sephiroth who stood in the ruins of his chair. The files he was reading were still in his hands but they were irrelevant to him now.

"My name is Melinda Festin and I will be your therapist today," the woman cleared her throat and tried not to look unnerved at the wrecked office. Possibly trying to convince herself that it was someone other than her patient who had done this. "I was filling in some forms - The department really didn't want me to come for some reason, so I apologize for the delay."

"No need for apologies, doctor," Sephiroth waved her concerns away, smoothing his features so he resumed his calm and unflappable demeanor. The Psych department is getting dangerously low-staffed, courtesy of his and Cloud's antics. "I am the one who should apologize for the scare."

"O-oh, it was an accident, I understand..." Melinda replied quickly. "We are behind schedule anyway, so let's get started!"

Hmm, should he began with the shock tactics by alluding to his alien origins? He had already tried it with his therapist #1 by describing how he would travel space with the empty husk of this planet as his vessel. The therapist had not taken him seriously and tried to prescribe some useless drug to keep him _placated_ \- oh, it was then that he knew he would have such _fun_ breaking their feeble beliefs in their meaningless existence.

Or he could approach it with the wounded war veteran angle, citing that he's tired of Shinra making him kill and that he only wanted a normal life. If he play the perfect victim (not that he was) and talk about being the cumulation of unethical scientific experiments, he could disillusion her to Shinra's ideology. If the Turks don't get to her first, maybe she'll even do something amusing like... taking this issue up with the President.

Decisions, decisions...

"First," Unaware of Sephiroth's malicious musings, Melinda continued, "Can you tell me about yourself?"

"I am..." Sephiroth's lips curled as he considered his next words carefully, "a member of SOLDIER, and my duties involve going on missions for the Shinra Electric Power Company."

His bland response seemed to disappoint Melinda, and she hesitated before asking, "Do you have anything you like to do in your free time?"

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow, giving a show of thinking it over. "I have recently become fascinated with cloud-watching. Does that interest you?"

_Ha ha. Very clever._

"What made you interested in that hobby?"

He shrugged, "It's very relaxing and quite different from the work I have to do every day. You can say that it reminds me of someone."

Melinda perked up at the sign of juicy information, "Who is it?"

"A subordinate of mine," Sephiroth smiled, "As aloof and drifting like a cloud, but also as moody as a thunderstorm. His hair is golden and spiky, just like the rays of the sun, while his eyes-"

_The Turks are laughing at me. Can you stop pretending to moon over me?_

Sephiroth quickly recovered from where he had suddenly cut off. "I had no intentions of any sort of pretense," he said smoothly to both Cloud and Melinda, "He is rather easy to miss because of his short stature, but he has been chasing after my attentions for years."

Melinda gasped, "How cute!"

Sephiroth nodded gravely as if he was imparting a large secret. He ignored Cloud's fuming and continued, "He has always been a fan of mine, and it's hard _not_ to notice how aggressively he pursued me. I could dare say that if I left, he would follow me even to the edge of the world."

"To think there are such dedicated men..." Melinda was bouncing in her seat eagerly, lost in romantic fantasies. "If I had someone even half as romantic... You're a lucky man, General."

_You're supposed to be in therapy. Why are you two gossiping like_ _schoolgirls?_ Cloud complained. 

Sephiroth gave a low chuckle, "Unfortunately, he did not enjoy the barbecue that I made in his hometown. I even gave him a skewer," he shook his head, "I did not expect him to give it back to me."

_...You Did Not Just-_

"That's a shame, some people just have different tastes" Melinda reassured him, "Although I can't think of anyone who doesn't like _barbeque_. I hope you didn't feel discouraged after that."

"The first batch was done out of stress so I didn't give him as good as I've got. I wasn't really paying attention to what I was doing. He had plenty of chances to taste what I could dish out since then. After the disastrous first attempt, whenever we meet up I would give him a few slices to sample." Each word was dripping with irony, and only he and Cloud were privy to the joke. Sephiroth enjoyed the silent fury radiating from Cloud.

What he wouldn't give to see the look on his face at this moment. He envied the Turks, and at the same time pitied them for the attempts they will make trying to pry the information from a very agitated Cloud.

"How did he like them?" Melinda asked, eyes shining with curiosity.

"Since then he has taken me out three times." Sephiroth held up the corresponding fingers. "He even gave me the materia I badly wanted at the time. It was really... selfless of him."

_Bastard. I'm giving Reno free rein over your hair products._ Cloud growled. _We can do a lot with a tub of glue._

"If I find myself sticky after a shower then I will know who to blame," Sephiroth narrowed his eyes, the therapist in front of him instantly forgotten. He took a step forward as if Cloud was in the same room standing in front of him. "Both of you will become my target."

"Um, sir? What-"

Cloud's voice drowned out Melinda's, diverting Sephiroth's attention entirely to him. _Try it. The two of us against you, we can win._

"No matter how many people there are, I will overpower all of you." Sephiroth purred. "I will make sure that all that comes out of you are helpless screams."

_Who's the one who 'took you out' three times?_ Cloud stated smugly.

Sephiroth shook his head languidly, "You can never stop me from coming. I can come to you right now and do whatever I want. The rest of the Turks will be able to stop me."

_Before you do that..._ Cloud's tone turned amused. _Why don't you look in front of you?_

Sephiroth blinked.

The doctor, Melinda, was flushed beet red and trembling in front of him. She stammered a couple of illegible words like "Yes-" and "Please-" before her legs gave out and she collapsed into a dead faint.

Sephiroth blinked again, fixing his cat-like stare onto the crumpled body in front of him. His mind backtracked to their conversation and then the one he had with Cloud.

"You cheated," his voice came out accusatory.

_Revenge for all the things you were saying about_ me, Cloud retorted with absolutely no remorse.

Sephiroth crossed his arms, "It didn't count. I was talking to _you_ , not her. Once she wakes up I will explain."

_Yeah, your rejection after totally coming onto her will be the final nail in the coffin,_ Cloud snarked, _Either that or confess that you've been talking about the voice in your head, but we all know what happened to therapist #4._

Sephiroth sighed, eyeing the door. He wondered what therapist #7 would feel when they walk in to find a body on the floor in the middle of a wrecked office. Maybe he should wait and see if the Psych department is going to send over any more sacrificial lambs.

But since Cloud declared war on his hair products and took away his entertainment, he supposed he should bring the fight to them. Sephiroth is friends with _Zack._ He knew a thing or two about pranks. If he could recruit Zack then Turks or not, the battle is already won.

He can't wait.

**Author's Note:**

> This started with a [comment](https://archiveofourown.org/comments/375829113) on the [Telling Time With a Broken Watch series](https://archiveofourown.org/series/2018923) by [CloudStrifeIsMySpiritAnimal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CloudStrifeIsMySpiritAnimal/pseuds/CloudStrifeIsMySpiritAnimal) (Go read it, it's awesome!) Basically, I suggested that Shinra would have a field day trying to evaluate those two. After some encouragement, I turned it into a fic.
> 
> I hope you guys had as much fun reading as I did writing this XD. I rewrote it many times until I could find the right balance. This isn't meant to be taken seriously, since if it is a serious fic then I can't imagine either Seph or Cloud spilling their stories to strangers. It would take a long time for a therapist to gain their trust, and then understand them enough for them to start dealing with their issues - and then it'll turn into a long fic because those two have ISSUES, man. Their _issues_ have issues. If someone wants to write a fic for that, I'd be really interested to read it!


End file.
